When Owen was little (as if he’s old now), I was always concerned if he was doing things “on time”. People would ask how old he was and then the questions would start. Is he sleeping through the night yet? Is he crawling yet? Has he said anything yet? Last summer I read every book and blog about parenting, and basically each one said the same thing, “Ashley, you are probably the worst parent ever. Congratulations on ruining your child’s life.” Oh hell no, I wasn’t going to go down without a fight! I made changes! Owen was going to put himself to bed at the same time every night, he was going to sleep in a big boy bed AND he was going to be potty trained! We were never going to watch TV again, always eat healthy and I was going to wear pearls every stinkin’ day. I was going to be mom of the year and people were going to write books about how I FINALLY had this crap figured out.
We bought big boy underpants and did everything by the book. We had a freaking parade for the undies, made flushing the potty a big deal, sticker charts and bribery galore. It didn’t work. I spent more time mopping the floor than Owen ever spent on the potty. Well, Owen likes to have conversations at the most inappropriate times. One of his favorite times to talk is when I am going potty. I’ve peed more times with the door open in the past three years that I’m fearful I’d be claustrophobic if Owen wasn’t there to help me out. During the failed potty training of 2014, I welcomed him into the bathroom with me. I figured if he saw me on the potty enough maybe he would catch on. As I was finishing one of these pee-pee pep-talks, Owen had the most disgusted look his face. He looked down at himself, and then back at me and said, “Mommy! A butt?” while pointing at my female anatomy. After I stopped crying due to laughter we had our first mini birds and bees talk. I explained that Mommy and Owie were different because he is a boy and I am a girl. That explanation was good enough for him and we moved on….with diapers.
Here we are in the summer of 2015 and we’re in undies full time! One day he decided he was ready and everybody jumped on the potty train. With the help of our amazing daycare friends, it truly has been an easy transition for all of us….during the day (Paradise). However, the other day he was in the potty and I hear him calling for help. I walk in and he’s standing on his stool and says, “I’m going to do it this way!” Meaning he wanted to pee standing up. He puts his hands on his hips and starts going down his leg. I holler at him to hold it out and point it at the potty. Yeah, like that’s not confusing so I give him a little help. I started giggling because I’m immature and Owen questions my reason for laughing, “Well, mommy’s never done this before.” When he finishes he says, “Ok mommy, you try.” I told him I couldn’t and he says, “Ohhhh because you have a butt?” YIKES…bring on the birds and bees. I told him, no because mommy doesn’t have a penis like him…..mommy has a vagina. Then he started laughing because he’s immature, “A angina? ANGINA!? Mom, you’re a angina!” Um no, I’m not one….I have one.
Later that day we go to WalMart, parenting mistake #1,278. He hadn’t napped and the amount of lunch he ate was questionable. Should have gone by myself later that night…I’m sure that’s in a book somewhere. “Mom, look that man has a penis.” Yup. “Mom, she has a angina.” Sure does. We get to the check out counter and there is a very nice young lady helping us. This lady’s appearance was confusing to my 2 year old because she had short, short hair, and in his world, girls have long hair. “Hey do you have a penis, or no? A angina? Mom, do they have a angina?” I was praying that she didn’t hear him, but based on the look she was giving me she was also waiting for my answer. With my immaturity showing again I start laughing, “I’m sorry. He’s a character! Is it any cuter because he can’t say it right? Man because I think so!” She didn’t laugh or smile…heck she didn’t even blink. With the question still hanging in the air and curiosity killing my son, I quietly told him “I think she’s just a butt.” Owen’s typical response followed, “Oh, right, right.”