I’ve been trying to lose a little Hank weight recently and I’m not going to lie it’s been a struggle. Not too long ago, I was feeling pretty good about myself so I thought I’d go abuse my ego by trying on some clothes for an upcoming trip. Most shopping trips leave me in the corner of the fitting room rocking myself as I sob, but today it was like I was a part of the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants! Everything fit.
I was walking past a trendy store with two letters, we’ll call it G&L, when a dress caught my eye. Now, I know better! G&L…I’m not in my 20’s, I have two kids, and there usually isn’t any amount of prayer that helps me grunt my way into their clothing. I thought ah, what the heck! I grabbed the dress and headed to the fitting room.
I typically like to go towards the back so they can’t hear me cry, but the young man working the counter told me the only fitting room open was the one right across from his post. I reluctantly go in and eyeball the small drape that hangs between me and Mr. G&L. I start to wiggle into this strappy dress and wouldn’t you know, it fits! I turn this way, good good. I turn that way…wow, look at me! I do a few inappropriate dances giggling and clapping like it was my birthday. I decided I was going to buy this trendy little number.
I started contemplating how to get out of the dress. There weren’t any zippers or break away Velcro, so I landed on the up and over approach. I have the dress half way over my head when my luck ran out. Somewhere between the celebratory shimmying and the decision to buy I put on a few dress sizes. With my upper body paralyzed in fabric, I turn towards the mirror to figure it out. WOW, bad angle! My right arm is all the way extended while my left resembles a chicken wing and I can’t stand up straight. After some failed tugging and pulling, I grab the closest piece of dress and drop to my knees thinking that would shake me loose. DAMN! In my eyeballing of the drape I didn’t realize it didn’t go all the way to the ground. Now I start to sweat because I know Mr. G&L can hear the struggle and there is no doubt in my mind he just saw the shakedown. My stomach starts to ache with a nervous poo because I’m convinced I’m going to have to Hulk my way out of this situation. I start praying and pleading with God that if he just helps me get of this situation I’ll be a better person, a better wife and mom, I’ll start working out….ANYTHING! I bend all the way over, revisit the celebratory shimming, and do an unattractive bend and stretch with my legs when I hear the drape move behind me. Now remember, I’m bent all the way over so my sexy hail damaged ass is in the air for all to see. Just to double check what I already knew, I pull the chiffon around my chin and sure enough I’m staring in between my legs at a terrified Mr. G&L. Well, this is nice.
Due to the amount of sweating that came after my indecent exposure, I eventually slide out like a greased swine. I got dressed slowly, hung the dress on the hanger better than any person has ever hung a dress before and prepared for my walk of shame. I threw the curtain open with style and said, “Well, this didn’t work for me.” With horrified expression on his face Mr. G&L says, “Yeah….I could tell.” In my attempt to save a little dignity I say, “Well, you should have seen it on.” I turned and walked away slowly to the sound of Mr. G&L consoling the dress and checking it from straps to hem for damage. I stop dead in my tracks when I hear a zipper. I whip around and as if it were going to change the fact that this young man now needed serious counseling, I lightheartedly say, “Oh, so there was a zipper!?”