The night before we left for Seattle I made checklists, packed our bags, and cleaned the house. I was prepared but I was so anxious about what the next few days would bring that I was a wreck. My loving husband brought me a glass of wine and told me to relax…and relax I did, right into glass #2. I started to mosey around my bathroom packing my cosmetics when I came across some sunless tanning lotion. I thought back on this summer and how I had been so busy that I never got the chance to lay by the pool. I checked the expiration date, gave it a shake, and had at it.
It was awesome! It sparkled when I applied it so I knew if I had missed any spots. I felt like those Twilight characters when they were touched by the sun, glistening and gleaming like a diamond. I made sure to get every crease and dent and use sparingly over my knees and elbows. As if it brought my level of hotness from a 3 to a 8 I leaped out of the bathroom content.
Owen woke up that morning at 5 a.m. ready to go. He wanted to go see the airplanes but even more than that he wanted to watch a movie so he could use the new headphones that daddy bought for him. We had an 1:10 flight, so that meant we had over 5 hours to listen to Owen yell at us for not going to the airport yet. Remembering I was going to wake up gorgeous, I hopped out of bed and ran to the bathroom. I flipped on the lights expecting to see Jennifer Lopez but I saw George Hamilton. I was orange. Not only was I orange but I had stripes. Great, that’s adorable!
Chris took the boys to run errands so I could try to undo my tan. Everything I googled required ingredients I didn’t have. I started to get frustrated because I know even Martha Stewart doesn’t go to these extremes, so I grabbed the sugar and coconut oil and created my own scrub. As I rubbed away the first layer of skin, one thing I didn’t think about was how slick the base of my shower was going to become. I had a foot up on the ledge trying to de-tan the creases and dents I made sure not to forget when my other foot started to slide. Using my “core” to stabilize myself I contracted every muscle I could find, but my back foot slid into the splits jamming my pinkie toe into the corner of the shower and crushing my knee into the metal track at the bottom of the door, and I’m pretty sure I pulled something in my “butt“. I decided to finished the scrub from the floor.
To my surprise the scrub worked! My skin looked healthy and shiny due to the oil and it was as smooth as Henry’s bottom! With a limp in my step and my hotness level at a 6, I cautiously walked out of the bathroom content.
TO BE CONTINUED